If CMB Falls, Does He Make a Sound?

Carmelo Mifsud Bonnici's columns are not an experience that anyone should be submitted to. This man is the literary equivalent of Ryvita, except not as good for you. His voice is dull, his face is dull, his very existence is dull. But by God, can there be anything on this earth more crushingly tedious than one of his articles. I would quite rather read the instruction manual for a bipolar junction transistor than plough through this dross, which anyone whose read this far might be contemplating reading:

"Private international law is a specialised segment within our legal system. It is triggered when Malta's courts of law are asked to consider lawsuits where issues before it affect some event, transaction or situation that is closely linked to a foreign judicial system and therefore necessitates recourse to foreign legal systems. This is better defined by our jurists as 'the rules voluntarily chosen by a given state for the decision of cases which have a foreign complexion'."

Well, then why did you write a definition, if you were going to give us a better anyway? God, why are you so bloodly bloodly boring?
Ok, so why read the article, the disinterested browser would ask themselves were they to visit this page. Why indeed, I reply. Even more pertinently, why was this dreary article ever written; doubtless by some unfortunate minion of the credited gentleman, I might add. I understand that there may well be certain individuals, whose drab temperament would probably see them better suited to taking residence under a mossy stone, that could find interest in prose so flat that it's practically inside out. But in a newspaper, I ask?
If only I could find solace in the attitude that today's newspaper is tomorrow's fish and chip wrapper. For a start, Maltese people don't often eat fish and chips. And when they do it is not from a newspaper, but off a china plate and with a silver spoon. But can you imagine what writing this insipid could do to any food that touches it? It doesn't bear thinking about.
It's a good thing I'm writing this in the evening, so this wretch has only managed to ruin a handful of hours of my day.